my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
