At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
