remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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