...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
