I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
