I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize