oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize