Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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