U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So vagazzling was a success
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
