Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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