please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
two words...techno handjob
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
