Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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