i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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