Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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