True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
