My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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