I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Send help, water and tortillas.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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