worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
