The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
