Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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