I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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