I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
