Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
