tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
