"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
