So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And then he peed in my hair
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