I'm jealous of your bromance
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
