Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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