I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
