If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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