Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
