I heard we made out
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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