This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
