I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
