You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
