then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
