not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
