i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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