I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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