It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
