its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
