oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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