is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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