i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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