My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
