I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
