The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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