dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
