the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
