i don't like sucking hair
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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