i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
