someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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