my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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