apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
