just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
