oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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