Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
