two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
