I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
