once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize