They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize