Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I use my feet as sexual weapons
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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