I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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