Don't make out with my wife yet
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
