Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
