i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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