i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize