Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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